Tina Belcher and the Wonder of Grayson
by tinaandgrayson
Summary: Tina Belcher accidentally recieves a scholarship to St. Hadrian's Finishing School for Girls. Once there, will she survive the first day amongst the dangerous assassins in training, and more importantly, will she get with Grayson? Also features Helena Bertinelli Matron, Bob and Linda, Nasthalia Luthor and Steph Brown!
1. Chapter 1: Who's Dat Butt?

Tina Belcher had always suspected that she had hidden depths of greatness, but never truly believed it before she received a mysterious letter informing her she had won an exclusive scholarship to St. Hadrian's Finishing School for Girls, in England, Britain.

"Uhh I'm really not ok with this" Bob said. "It sounds expensive and also who will man the grill when I have my four o'clock appointment"

"No Bobby, this is for the best" Linda decided. "Our little baby's all grown up and going to finishing school. Our Teeny Tina in England! Oh, I love it!"

Tina was sad as she boarded the plane, knowing that it would be many a moon (both calendar wise and butt wise) before she would see Jimmy Jr's perfect apples again, but England is full of horses and maybe she would meet a centaur, or simply a boyfriend. Either way, it was time to take the plunge.

Having arrived in England, Britain, Tina checked her reflection. She looked good enough to eat.

Outside the airport a long black limousine was waiting to take her to St. Hadrian's. In the car was Matron, one of St. Hadrian's teachers who also moonlighted as an agent for Spyral.

"You're Matron!" said Tina. "I know from the brochures! I thought you would be more Italian."

"You're Nasthalia Luthor?" Matron AKA Helena Bertinelli but NOT AKA Huntress because New 52 asked, her afro gently swaying in the England Britain breeze. Lex Luthor's niece really didn't look like her photos.

" Uhhhhhhhhhh…. Yes." Said Tina, out of politeness. "But most people call me Nastina for short, and then most people shorten that down to Tina. So yes. I'm Tina."

"Oh. Ok." Said Matron.

As the car pulled out of the airport Tina began to suspect that this really was all too good to be true. Maybe they didn't really want Tina, on account of her not being Nasthalia Luthor, who she was fairly certain they did want.

"What kind of martial arts do you do?" Matron asked, to break the ice.

"Capoeira," replied Tina wondering why this might be important, "I also do horse riding, in my mind. And butt touching."

"What was that?" Asked Matron.

"I said horse riding. What um, martial arts do you do?"

"I shoot things with my cross bow. Sometimes I kick them in the face. It's a very special form of martial arts which I have devised from all of the martial arts."

"So you do capoeira too." Said Tina. "We have so much in common we should be friends. Well, we can't be friends because you're a teacher but you could maybe treat me as your favourite student. That would be nice."

"I don't do favourites." Said Matron.

To both the relief of Matron and Tina, they soon arrived at St. Hadrian's. It was a big grand gothic building and all the students were waiting on the front steps for them. There were no horses.

"The girls will most probably try to kill you," said Matron. "It's a little thing they like to do to the new girls."

"Like, actually, kill?" Tina asked nervously, her eyes scanning the assembled girls. They all looked like murderers and had really nice hair and also uniforms.

"Oh yes," said Matron airily. "But it's nothing a capoeira expert like you can't handle."

There was an audible gasp as Tina stepped out of the car.

" _That's_ Nasthalia Luthor?" One of the girls asked. "But she's not bald!"

"I can't even fathom how stupid all you bitches are." Matron said shortly. "Ten points from Griffyndor! Now I'm off to do some work for Spyral."

"You just got back from Spyral," another girl pointed out. "When do you actually teach us?"

"FIFTY POINTS FROM GRIFFYNDOR!" Matron disappeared.

With Matron out of the way, the girls eyed Tina even more suspiciously. Tina was beginning to suspect that her high socks and black skirt and blue top and also black converse were not perhaps the best fashion items with which to make an impression. She moved her hair clip to the other side of her fringe. If she could be Dina, she could be Nasthalia Luthor. She, Tina, was not going to give up until she had ridden a horse. Or touched a centaur's butt.

"Well, newbie," said one of the girls, "I suppose you know how we do things in England, Britain. You want to get through these front doors and to cook's spotted dick, you're going to have to fight us! STEPH! FIGHT THE NEW GIRL!"

"Fists or batarangs?" Steph asked.

"I choose…. Fight by erotic friend fiction!" said Tina.

Luckily, before Steph could beat Tina into a bloody pulp, DICK GRAYSON ARRIVED. He was undercover as a gay French acrobat instructor at St. Hadrian's, but the second he saw Tina he knew his cover was BLOWN

In this story Tina is 18 not 14 so everything that is about to happen is legal and Dick is not a paedophile.

The second Tina saw dat Dick ass, she forgot all about Steph and horses and England and Nasthalia Luthor. She didn't know what Spotted Dick was, but she had spotted a dick and she was not about to let it go.

"Girlz," said Dick in his amazing French accent. "You should all go and do something else other than try and keel the new girll. Also Stephanie Brown, you are no longer in this continuity, so please leave this fan fiction."

Steph ran off crying.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…." Said Tina. She could see his perfect butt through his tight little jeans. It sparkled in the sunlight, and was firm, like a peach. She wanted that butt. That butt looked like it could go places.

"Tina," said Dick, "I have tried to lie to you, but I can not. I am not French. I am Dick Grayson, AKA Nightwing, aka, dat ass. You are the most awesome, incredible person I have ever met. And I've dated Batgirl, and I was thinking about shacking up with Matron but now I'm over her. Come ride on horses with me."

"But I don't see any horses." Said Tina.

"I AM A HORSE!" Said Dick, and suddenly out of that perfect ass sprouted a yet more perfect ass and also four legs and tail. He was a centaur! Lady boner, amirite?

"Wow," said Tina.

Dick neighed, his hair blowing in the breeze. "Come ride on my back, Tina!"

Tina obliged. She was so close to that ass she could smell/touch it, and Dick's hair was flapping in her face. She inhaled. He smelled like shampoo and chivalry.

Suddenly he kicked up his legs and began to ran! He galloped across the school, kicking up the freshly mowed grass and making all the girls at St. Hadrian's want to vomit because they were such a perfect couple. They ran from mid-morning until sunset, and then from sunset to sunrise. They stopped briefly for a toilet break, and then they ran again.

"Tina I love you!" Said Dick as they reached the second sunset.

"You're butt-credible!" said Tina.

Even Batman had never said anything so nice to Dick. His eyes welled with manly tears and he twisted his torso round and made out with Tina as she sat on his back. As for Tina, well let's just say she got her fill and her hands full of Dick's butt during this make out sess. It felt like everything she dreamed it would.

"I want you to marry me!" Whinnied Dick.

BUT AT THAT MOMENT NASTHALIA LUTHOR ARRIVED.

"GET OFF THAT CENTAUR!" Said Nasthalia. "I'm NASTHALIA LUTHOR, AND DICK GRAYSON BELONGS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

END OF CHAPTER ONE!


	2. Chapter 2:Cranberries and Butt-trayal

Tina had been on the verge of considering a marriage proposal from Dick Grayson, sexy superhero turned sexier spy undercover at St. Hadrian's Finishing School For Girls turned centaur, when Nasthalthia Luthor had shown up.

Reluctantly, Tina loosed Dick's butt and turned to face Nasthalthia. Ok, even she had to admit that she had not done a very good job stealing Nasthalthia's identity. Nasthalthia was super tall for one thing, and had long dark hair and awesome makeup.

"What are you talking about?" asked Dick, before Tina could say anything. " _This_ is Nasthalthia Luthor."

"And how'd you figure that out, Genius?" asked Nasthalthia. "Do you people even bother for asking for identification? You even called her Tina one chapter ago!"

"Yeah…" said Dick slowly. "Because Tina's short for –"

"You don't know dick, Dick." Nasthalthia swept forward. "Tina ain't short for nothing but Christina. The shortened form of Nasthalthia is Nasty, _obviously_."

Dick turned to Tina. "Is this true?" he asked quietly.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh….." said Tina.

"Get off my ass."

"What?"

"I SAID GET OFF MY ASS!" Dick yelled, rearing up and sending Tina flying off him.

Tina fell to the ground. Luckily her boobs cushioned her fall somewhat, but it still hurt like a thousand boob punches. As she looked up dazedly, Nasthalthia smirked down at her.

"Here's a little life lesson," said Nasthalthia, "never double cross a Luthor. Come on, Dick, let's ride."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo," cried Tina. "Dick please, I can explain everything!"

"The only thing you need to explain is what I'm doing on Dick's butt," interrupted Nasthalthia, "and the answer is that I will be riding that sweet ass all the way to the dorms."

As Nasthalthia sauntered over to Dick, and put a hand on his long mane in order to climb onto his perfect butt, Tina saw red. Suddenly all the force of the capoeira rose within her and she swept out her leg.

Nasthalthia, caught by surprise, fell to the ground heavily.

Tina climbed to her feet. "You step away from dat ass." She ordered. "Or there's more Brazilian fire where that came from."

Nasthalthia snarled. "You'll regret the day you ever came to St. Hadrian's, Belcher!"

"The only thing I'll regret about this day is not telling the truth to Dick!" Tina replied.

Dick could feel in his butt that Tina was speaking the truth (because she whispered those words into his crack) but he was still hurt and so he turned his head, and ignoring the words breathed between his cheeks, began to walk away.

Tina slumped to ground with a flat no.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," groaned Tina flatly.

"Hahaha! What a day this has been!" Nasthalthia laughed triumphantly. "Even with a mild headcold and fever I still feel like a million bucks! I've taken everything from you Tina! And now I'm going to crush you like those tax evasion charges crushed uncle Lex!"

"Wrong!" said Tina. "Because now I have nothing to lose, and I won't be holding back!" She assumed the stance of capoeira mindfulness.

Nasthalthia charged towards Tina, laughing maniacally. As her fist was about to connect with Tina's boob, for the boob punch of ultimate destruction, Tina side stepped and, putting her leg out, swept it majestically under Nasthalthia's feet, sending the teenaged temptress flying to floor.

But something was wrong.

First off all, Nasthalthia did not simply hit the ground, but kept going, skidding through the grass. Then she hit a couple of rocks. Then she hit the steps of St. Hadrian's, coming to a messy stop at Matron's feet.

"What the hell…" said Matron.

Nasthalthia did not move. Tina had never expertly pwned someone with capoeira before, but now she was scared by the unleashed power of the Brazilian feet. Maybe she had hurt Nasthalthia. Ok, she had definitely hurt Nasthalthia, because there was blood all over the place and the school girls who had come outside to idly watch the fight were screaming hysterically, but maybe she had hurt Nasthalthia even worse than she already had!

"Someone call the Matron!" yelled Matron.

Dick neighed and galloped off to find medical aid.

"RUN DICK!" Matron shouted after him. "RUN LIKE THE WIND!"

"Holy horse butts," Tina drew closer to the shocked crowd, "that looks serious."

"YOU THINK?" Demanded Matron holding up Nasthalthia's head, which was detached from her body.

Dick reappeared, with Bones riding on his back. As he skidded to a halt, Bones jumped down, his face all serious and medical. Dick pulled his horse butt and legs into his regular butt, and, back in his two-legged sexy form, looked down seriously. "If she's dead," he said, "I don't think I can forgive you Tina."

Bones looked up seriously, his fingers on Nasthalthia's pulse. "She's dead, Dick." He said.

Matron stood up, Nasthalthia's head in her arms. "This is a very serious incident." She snapped. "And shall be treated accordingly. Fifty Thousand points from Gryffindor. Tina, I don't care how much you touch my butt, you're out of here. Get your bags and go."

"But miss," said one of the girls, known as Scandal Savage, "Tina's over there. Tina's not touching your butt."

Matron raised one of her eyebrows. "If Tina's not touching my butt, then who is?"

The girls (and Dick and also Bones and also Matron) looked down in horror. IT WAS NASTHALTHIA TOUCHING MATRON'S BUTT!

"She's alive!" Screamed Scandal Savage.

"She's not alive!" Dick yelled. "She's a zombie! Drop that head, Matron!"

Matron threw Nasthalthia's head as far as she could into the bushes. "It's too late!" She cried out in frustration.

"Why?" Tina asked. "Did she bite you?"

"Worse," said Matron. "She touched my butt. Now she knows all the secrets of the school. This is bad."

"We have to warn the other girls," said Dick, sprouting out his horses legs.

"Now see here, Matron," Bones interrupted. "Where did you throw that head?"

"I threw it towards the pool, why?" Matron asked.

"What time is it?" Bones asked.

"It's two-thirty." Dick snapped. "Is there a point to this?"

Tina's heart stopped as she remembered the brochure. "If it's two thirty on a Friday then that means the girls will all be doing synchronised assassin swimming! They'll all be in the pool!"

"NO!" Dick cried out.

Matron and Tina leapt on his butt and he galloped as fast as he could. "This doesn't change anything Tina," Dick snapped as they flew across the lawn. "Just because I'm letting you ride on my butt doesn't mean I'll let you ride on my butt. We're over as far as I'm concerned."

Tina nodded, tears welling in her eyes.

By the time they reached the pool, they knew it was too late, unless the girls had decided to bathe in cranberry juice, which they certainly hadn't because cranberry juice revival baths happened on Wednesday, which meant the girls had all been infected.

"We have to get back to the others!" Matron snapped. "We need to get to the armoury and stop this thing!"

Dick's heart was breaking at the loss of so many talented students and he didn't reply.

"NOW DICK!" Tina yelled, slapping his ass out of its reverie, "move that sweet tush or we won't live to see another full moon!"

Dick charged back towards the small group of girls.

"Ok, " said Matron, looking at the assembled girls (and Bones), "Well the bad news is your friends are dead and they know the secrets of this school, and also of Spyral, the organisation I work for."

"What do they want, Matron?" asked a girl, "do they want to eat us?"

"Worse than that," said Matron. "They want our butts."

"That doesn't sound too bad," said Tina.

Unbeknownst to the assembled survivors, as they discussed the pros and cons of zombie butt touching (strong arguments were presented on both sides), the zombies had fanned out from the pool, and, entering the school, were heading straight to the armoury, and worse, the strong room in the centre where the computers held all the secrets of the school that were too important to be entrusted to Matron's butt.

High above all of this, Steph Brown, who had refused to leave the fanfiction, was watching the unfolding horror from the roof.

"This is getting serious," said Steph, pulling down her purple hood, thus transforming herself into Spoiler. "Looks like it's time to call in Buttman. I mean Batman."


	3. Chapter 3 : The Filler Chapter

"Right," said Matron, casting her eye over the motley survivors of a zombie attack on the pool of St. Hadrian's Finishing School for Girls, "let's see who we have left."

"Scandal Savage, Matron!" said Scandal Savage. "I'm a world class fighter, semi-immortal, and I have these claw things which I use to gut my opponents!"

"Oh, like Wolverine," said Tina.

Scandal glared at her.

"Lian Harper!" said the next girl. "I'm an ace archer, have superior knowledge of poisons, and am expert at martial arts!"

"I'm Duela Dent, and my greatest strength is my unhinged craziness, inherited from my father-figure, the Joker!" said Duela (Duela was not going to last very long in this story and it was a miracle she had survived the zombie pool attack, to be honest).

The next girl didn't say anything.

"That's Cass Cain," said Lian helpfully, "don't make her angry."

"What's she good at?" Tina asked.

"EVERYTHING," replied everyone else in awe.

"Ok," said Matron, "well, to be fair, you were probably all the best students in this school. Apart from Duela. Now, we have four principal things we need to be worried about. The first is making sure the armoury is secure."

*The armoury was not secure. Even as Matron was speaking Nasthalthia was leading her zombified minions towards it, thwarting the school's defences with the knowledge she had stolen from Matron's butt.

"Then," continued Matron, "we also need to make sure the zombies don't find their way into the school's servers, which are hidden far underneath the grounds in the chamber of secrets. There are enough secrets in that chamber to _really_ make this zombie thing a problem."

*Again, a second wing of the zombies, led by Nasthathia's second in command, Talia al Ghul (who had been working as a lifeguard at St. Hadrian's that term in order to 'find herself'), was already well on their way to the Chamber of Secrets.

"The third thing," said Matron, "is to set off a beacon so that the Justice League will be alerted that we have an outbreak and come help us out."

*The zombies hadn't thought of this, and Steph Brown was already in the process of contacting Batman, but he kept putting her on hold, and zombies are attracted to heights, so even as Matron spoke one or two straggling zombies were going to accidentally burst upon Steph in the control room.

"And the fourth thing," said Matron, "is the make sure that Tina and Dick get back together, amirite?"

"You are 100% right," said Bones, "I totally ship them."

"We're in a life and death situation and you're making cracks about my lovelife?" Dick demanded.

"Dick," said Matron, drawing him aside so she could talk to him privately, "you know as well as I do that you can't turn into a centaur with a broken heart. You need to fix things with Tina if we're going to survive this."

Dick looked over to where Tina was awkwardly standing, pretending not to stare at his ass.

"I can't, Matron." He said. "I just can't. You try forgiving someone who lied to you."

"Ok," giving up on Dick, Matron turned back to the group. "Here's the plan. I'm going to lead a team to the Chamber of Secrets. Dick is going to head to the armoury. And Cass Cain is going to head to the beacon to alert the Justice League."

"And maybe also our parents?" Inserted Duela Dent.

Duela Dent is so not going to survive this fanfiction.

"I'm going to give you the teams now," Matron continued on.

"Bagsi being on Team Dick." Said Tina.

"Duela and Tina, you're on Team Dick." Said Matron.

"Yes!" said Tina.

Dick didn't say anything.

"Bones, and Lian, you're with me. That leaves Cass and Scandal to tackle the tower. Do you girls think you're up for the task?"

Cass nodded once. The birds stopped singing.

"Right," said Matron, "St. Hadrian's girls – MOVE OUT!"

Meanwhile, up in the communications tower, Batman finally answered Steph's calls.

"Spoiler?" Batman asked, as he fought some dinosaurs and also Joker and also Two Face and also made a lasagne, "how did you get this number?"

"That's not important! What's important is that there's a zombie outbreak in St. Hadrians!"

There was a pause. "Ok, Spoiler," Batman sighed. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!" Spoiler protested. "I was undercover like you told me to, and –"

"Undercover? At a _girl's school_? Spoiler, come on. Think about it. I just told you there was something weird going on there so you wouldn't be in Gotham anymore because you're a shitty superhero. You thought you were _actually_ on a mission? You so silly!"

"Ok," said Spoiler, trying to keep the conversation professional, "well, there _is_ something going on here. In the form of a zombie plague. They've got most of the school's secrets from –"

"You?" Batman filled in helpfully.

"From _MATRON_ , and they're on their way to get the rest of them. This is really serious, Batman –"

"Yeah yeah yeah," said Batman, whisking his white sauce whilst punching Killer Croc in the face, "I'll come fix your mess once I've got this lasagne in the oven."

Spoiler sighed. Why did Batman always shit on her? Sometimes metaphorically, occasionally literally.

As she was lost in feelings of self-pity the two straggling zombies slumped into the room.

"Merrghhhhhhhhhhhhhh," said the zombies.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Spoiler's voice crackled down the end of Batman's headset, "STAY AWAY FROM MY BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

Batman sighed. "Ok, Spoiler," he said, "I'm coming to rescue yo sorry ass."


	4. Chapter 4: Trouble in Pipe-adise

Nasthalia Luthor looked out over her legion of zombies.

"Mmmmrrrgh uuuuhghhhh…" she said.

"Uhhhhggghh mmmmmrrrghhhhhh….!" A couple groaned back.

The zombies all nodded shiftlessly at each other and then stumbled on.

Underneath the floor, Dick, Tina and Duela lay squashed in a pipe, listening to the shuffling and groaning.

"I don't know," said Tina, "I think maybe there's something slightly erotic about zombies. I think it's all the moaning."

Dick ignored her. "It's clear they're communicating to each other," he frowned, "but about what?"

"I was wondering if maybe we shouldn't get a shimmy on sometime soon?" Duela asked. "I mean, if _we're_ trying to get to the armoury, and _they're_ trying to get to the armoury, maybe we should be in _front_ of them instead of, I don't know, hiding in this really tight, cramped, dirty pipe?"

Tina rolled her eyes. Duela's fretting was giving her a snoregasm. Also, she was in no hurry to move. She was positioned directly behind Dick's cute tush, so she was quite content to stay in the pipe all day.

Dick's tush tensed as he came to a decision. "Duela's right, but I feel like there's something we've missed. What are they talking about?" His eyes narrowed. "What are they _planning_?"

"Well, we're not going to find out stuck in this pipe." Duela ventured.

Tina rolled her eyes. What a boob punch Duela was.

Dick listened. "Ok, I think the coast is clear. I'm going to head out first, just to make sure. If anything happens, contact the tower, and then keep going onto the armoury."

"If you _do_ become a zombie, I'll shoot you myself," Duela offered.

"Uh… thanks Duela." Dick said.

"I have a better idea, if you become a zombie I'll keep you as a pet and make sure nothing bad happens to you." Tina cut in.

"Uhm, well, I think I'd rather be shot," Dick said, inching open the top of the pipe. "I mean, groaning all day and touching people's butts isn't much of a life."

Dick was so wrong. Groaning all day and touching people's butts is the only life worth having.

"Dick, wait," whispered Tina.

Dick sighed and twisted round so he could see her. "What is it, Tina?"

"Good luck," said Tina. "There are a lot of zombies out there, hungry for butts, and with cans like yours… well let's just say that going out into enemy territory with an ass like that shows you have big balls."

"Ok Tina," said Dick.

Dick pulled himself out of the pipe. He was standing in a dark corridor underneath the school. He pulled out his escrima stick, and switched it on, filling the hallway with a low dim blue light. There were no zombies in sight. Where ever they were, they weren't here.

But they were there. Nasthalia had stayed behind and was waiting in a shadowy alcove near Dick.

"Ok girls," he whispered. "It's all clear."

"What did he say?" Tina asked inside the pipe.

"I think he said they were all near?" Duela hissed back.

"What?" whispered Tina.

Dick's face appeared at the entrance to the pipe. "I said its all _clear._ Get out of there, we need to –" His face suddenly froze.

Tina felt a terrible sinking sensation in her butt.

"We need to what, Dick?" Duela asked. The girl was a real duffer.

"Start moving." Tina said.

"What?"

"MOVE IT, DUELA! THERE'S A ZOMBIE ON HIS BUTT. IF YOU DON'T WANT A ZOMBIE ON YOUR BUTT THEN START MOVING THOSE HAMS OF YOURS!" Tina snapped, giving Duela a shove for good measure.

Duela squeaked and started crawling. Tina chanced one last look up at Dick. There was no mistake. That was the face of a man with a zombie on his butt and the bitemarks of a zombie somewhere on his person, but preferably not his ass because it was too perfect and also Tina had hoped to have the honour of doing that herself some day.

Duela was crying as stumbled through the pipes. Tina grabbed her leg. "Ssshush for a second," she hissed. They both paused, listening. Again, Tina was right, and in the worst possible way. There was someone else moving through the pipes. Some one called Dick.

"Move." Said Tina. "MOVE MOVE MOVE!"

Duela started up again as fast as she could, and Tina followed her. Suddenly Duela stopped. Tina bumped into her. Before Tina could ask, Duela turned to Tina.

"There's a dead end!" Duela said. "We're trapped."

They could hear Dick getting closer. Thankfully not very fast, because he was a zombie, but they were still in dire straits.

"Call the communications tower!" Tina said.

Duela fumbled in her pocket for her mobile and looked at the screen. It was a miracle. She had signal. She keyed in the extension for the tower and listened anxiously. "It's ringing, but no one's answering!" She cried. "Cass and Lian aren't there yet! They're dead! We're dead! Everyone body's deaaaaa-"

Tina slapped Duela in the face. "SHUT UP." She said. "Luckily zombies are super slow, so we have a little bit of time. You keep ringing, I'll deal with Dick."

"Tina, that's suicide," Duela whispered, her mascara running all over her face like the hot mess she was.

"Yeah, it is. But at least I'll be with Dick again."

Duela felt new respect for Tina rise in her chest. Maybe, if she ever got out of this forsaken pipe, she'd rebrand herself as Tina's Daughter. The whole Joker's Daughter thing was pretty tired. The ringing of the phone broke her out of her reverie. "Come on come on come on," she moaned, listening to the tone, "why is nobody picking up?!"

Well Duela, if you must know, the reason was this.

Lian and Cass were tit deeps in the zombified hordes of their former classmates, and awesome as Cass was at everything, they were still only human, and consequently it was slowing them down a lot.

Meanwhile, in the control room, Spoiler had been trying to convince Batman of the direness of their situation when two zombies had crept in behind her. Even now, they were trying to get at her butt, and she was desperately staving them off with her fists, because Batman had banned her from any offensive weapons other than ropes, and even then sometimes he made her use shitty bits of twine and string Alfred didn't have a use for, rather than proper rope.

She punched one of the zombies in the face, but her fist went right through the rotting flesh and then got stuck. As she tried to pull her hand free the other zombie saw this as an excellent opportunity to try and bite her.

"I'M BATMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Batman burst through the window, his foot slamming into the zombie, causing its head to explode and it to slump to the ground. He turned to the other zombie, which still had Spoiler's fist stuck in its face. "Boo." He said. The second zombie's head exploded too.

"Well Spoiler," Batman sniffed, turning to go as Spoiler finally freed her hand, "looks like you really shit the bed on this one. You get out of here before you make things worse, I'm going to go and sort it all out."

"Hey now wait a second!" Spoiler snapped. "Wait just a minute Batman! The bed is not shit on! The only thing that's shitty is your attitude! I don't know why you hate me, but I'm not taking the blame on this! Not only did I have _nothing_ to do with _any of this_ , but _I'm_ the only person in this dumb school smart enough to call for help, and maybe if you had answered my calls we'd have more than eight survivors! So not only am I coming with you, because these people need our help, but you're going to give me a weapon that isn't a piece of twine or a twig!"

"You done?" Batman asked. "Because you're done. Get out of here, Spoiler. You're off this case."

Batman headed for the door. Spoiler turned away, tears starting in her eyes, but then something caught her attention.

"Wait a second Batman." She said.

Batman paused, his heart stopping. She couldn't have noticed, could she?

"Turn around," she ordered. "You turn around and say to me with your mouth what your butt just said to my face."

"My butt didn't say anything, Spoiler." Batman growled, spinning around. "My butt's secrets are under lock and key."

"Then show me!" She snapped. "Show me your butt!"

"We don't have time for this, Spoiler!"

"Well you can't leave this room without turning your back on me," Spoiler said, "so I'm going to see your butt again at some point, and then I'm going to know."

Batman thought this over. He decided to just leave.

"Batman!" Spoiler gasped. "Your butt's speaking the truth, isn't it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about –"

"Batman, for once in your life will you cut the crap! This is why you've always been such a jerk to me, why you wouldn't let me be Robin, why you wouldn't give me a memorial even when I was dead, why you never trusted me, why you made Tim Drake be a dick to me, and why you somehow convinced DC to keep me out of the New52 for three years, but also why you were here approximately three seconds after I called for help! Batman, I may not know much about crime fighting, I may not know much about hearts, but I know about butts, and your butt is in love with me."

She stopped, breathless. Was she right? Or had she made an even bigger fool of herself than she had ever done before?

The communications tower phone rang.

She was wrong. There was nothing in Batman's eyes. They were blank. She was a ditz. She started towards the phone, wishing the ground would swallow her up. She hoped she was eaten by a zombie just so she wouldn't have to see Batman ever again.

"Stop, Spoiler." Batman growled.

"But the phone's –"

"There's something you need to see," Batman said, dropping his pants.

"Batman!" She cried. "There's a tattoo of my face on your ass."

"I think you mean," said Batman, sweeping her up in his manly arms, "that there's a tattoo of your face on my heart."


End file.
